As I mentioned here exactly one month ago, I did some writing practice on the themes of motherhood and attachment in October. It was hugely helpful, and even more so as I spent time this past Saturday rereading the journal entries and copying some of the insights I gleaned into a few summary pages. I went to see my therapist yesterday for the first time in over six months, and I brought my six pages of summarized thoughts to guide our conversation.
I narrowed down a month of journaling to six pages like the one above, but if I narrowed it down even more, I’d probably end up with just two main thoughts along these lines:
#1 - I want to begin to see myself as the mom I hope to be.
#2 - I put no confidence in the flesh.
I am stuck, in a good way, on that opening verse from Philippians. I absolutely put no confidence in my flesh to be a better mom, and I am confident that that’s the point of this lesson of my life. I am not on my own.
I told my therapist about how I set my watch for blocks of time to do all the things I want to get done on a recurring basis. I set it for ten minutes to make my way through the booklet Everybody Prays, which was assigned as a training tool for being on the prayer team at church. I set it for twenty minutes to copy quotes in my commonplace book. I set it for thirty minutes to look for new recipes, and also thirty minutes to work on having custom quote signs made for the wall in our new reading room. This sort of discipline is my freedom and helps me do the things I want to do. I can measure time and I can measure tasks this way, but I realized in my session yesterday that I can’t measure relationships this way. If I could, I’m sure I would have already, which brings me back to putting no confidence in the flesh for this lifelong calling to mother.
I am prayerfully considering the hopes I have as a mother and making cards like this to remind me of what is possible.